Paranoia

Mrs BW has been away with the fledglings for a few days so I have been left to fend for myself. All alone apart from the cats and Moonshine the hamster with the enormous testicles. The house is quiet much too quiet. In fact the only sounds are the occasional thwack of the cat flap as one or other of them goes out or comes in, and Moonshine on his wheel, which I can hear from several rooms away.

One of the problems with being on my own is leaving the house. Or rather trying to leave the house. When Mrs BW is here I breeze out of a morning without a care in the world. I am not responsible for checking the doors are locked, the cooker or anything else electrical turned off. Someone else will do that.

Yesterday I had to go to work. So that meant that I had to leave the house. First I checked that I had turned everything off. Cooker, TV, computer, daughters hair straighteners. The latter is ridiculous because I know that she has not turned them on, as she has been away for two days. But I have to check. Just in case.

Then I checked the back door, and the French windows. I had checked them the previous night, and I had not been out of either, but I had to check them again. Just in case.

I collected my briefcase, picked the front door keys, up opened the front door and just as I was about to step outside, could not remember if I had turned my radio off upstairs. So I went back up and checked it. While I was up there I thought that I better check the computer again. Just in case.

Down stairs again I got to the front door and remembered the cooker, or rather I could not remember turning it off, so I went back in and checked it. While I was checking it, I remembered the immersion heater, which I knew I had not turned on, but thought I better check it just in case. While I was upstairs I checked that the TV was not on standby. and that I had not left Moonshines cage open, even though I knew I had not opened it. I opened it just so I could close it again and then worried that I might not have closed it properly. I opened it and closed it a few times. It did not make any sort of clicking noise. I tried it a few times, disturbing Moonshine and waking him up in the process.

I staggered down stairs, my brain reeling, my morning collapsing. The front door was ajar. Had the cats sneaked in? I would have to check. So I searched the downstairs rooms. They were cat less, apart from the utility room which was full of cats, but that was okay because they were allowed in there.

I was going to have to go to work. I took a deep breath and stepped outside. Had I turned the washing machine off? I carried on walking. Out onto the street, I worried that I had left the tap in the kitchen sink running. I carried on walking. As I got into town a fire engine roared past up the hill. I carried on walking. It would be too late anyway.

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